Understanding Ourselves: Gender Differences in the Brain

SUCCESS ON YOUR OWN TERMS NEWSLETTER Volume #53, Winter 2008

Questions on Trust: The Foundation of Relationships

When I think about what to write for these newsletters, I consider what might be of most interest and benefit to you the reader, what lessons I can share culled from my clients' experiences, or what I'm focused on learning myself. Last year my newsletters were devoted to the brain because of my interest in "neuroleadership." I'm still extremely interested in the field and will keep you abreast of what's happening in that area.

This year, however, I'm going to focus on sharing my model of leadership. Through this past decade of coaching, I've come to see that there are five core skill areas that are critical to a leader's success: authenticity, vision and strategic thinking, emotional intelligence, assertive communication, and the ability to build relationships.

I'm going to start the year writing about the skill of building relationships. In October 2007, the Center for Creative Leadership (for which I'm an adjunct coach) conducted a poll seeking to discover the most important skill of a successful leader – building relationships was the resounding winner. Moreover, the respondents said that building relationships is considered more important for success today than it was just two years ago. (See reference below.)

When I developed my leadership model, I listed building relationships as the final skill of my five core skills, because in my logical, but highly connected female mind, you can't build relationships unless you know how to communicate well. And you can't communicate well unless you are emotionally grounded and smart about how to manage your own emotions and handle the emotions of others. And you will be much more effective at building relationships if you are clear about whom you want to build relationships with, what you want from the relationship, and what is of value and importance to the person or group with whom you are trying to build the relationship. Moreover, you won't be as successful at connecting unless you are sure about who you are and what your values are. So, you won't be a great relationship builder unless you have developed these other skills first.

But let's save the other skills for later newsletters and focus on three core elements that are the foundation for building relationships and are at the heart of connection. Being in a relationship means being mutually connected to another person or group of people. However, to connect with someone else in a way that enables the development of a relationship, you must first cultivate trust. To cultivate trust you must act with honesty and integrity. Whether you are trying to build a relationship with your clients, with your direct reports, with your peers, with senior management, with your suppliers, or with friends and family in your personal life, you must demonstrate that you can be trusted.

In coaching we turn concepts into concrete, specific behaviors on which people can work. People need to identify which of their behaviors can be leveraged to enhance performance as well as which behaviors need to be changed or improved to support success. In coaching we also use questions as a tool for discovery and change. Trust is one of those amorphous concepts. If you want to work on building trust you need to examine the behaviors that constitute trust. Take the following quiz and see what you discover about your trustworthiness.

25 QUESTIONS ON TRUST
Ask yourself the following questions, using the answers: “Never,” “Sometimes,” “Often,” or “Always.”

Do I do what I say I’m going to do?
When I don’t do what I say I’m going to do, do I make excuses?
Am I responsible and reliable — can people count on me to get things done?
Do I blame others?
Do I own my own mistakes?
Do I apologize for my mistakes?
Do I make amends for a mistake in a way that demonstrates I accept responsibility?
When I realize that I can’t do what I said I was going to do, do I communicate that in a timely, truthful fashion to the other party?
Do I inquire about the other party’s needs, wants, beliefs, feelings and thoughts?
Do I listen to others on a deep level so that I understand how my behavior impacts them?
Am I fair in my dealings with others?
Do I act motivated by justice?
Do I cheat if I think I can get away with it?
Do I have faith and confidence in my ability to deliver?
Do I tell the truth?
Do I know how to present difficult messages truthfully in a way they can be heard?
Do I know how to manage the timing when I have to deliver a difficult message?
Do I keep confidences — can people count on me to keep what they tell me confidential?
Do I stand up for others — can I be counted on to have someone’s back?
Do I quietly throw others under the bus to position myself better?
Do I put myself first, above everything and everyone else?
Do I have a set of moral guiding principles to which I adhere?
Do I bend the rules according to my needs?
Do I act in a highly professional manner?
Do I feel that my actions are honorable?

Now that you've answered these questions, go back and look at the behaviors on which you want to work. Ask yourself what you need to do differently. What aspect of a particular behavior do you want to change or improve or leverage? How will you make that change? What steps will you take in the first quarter of this year to enhance your trustworthiness so that you create a foundation on which you can develop solid relationships throughout 2008?

Sources & Resources
For more information on the Center for Creative Leadership's Building Relationships Poll mentioned in this article or to sign up for its e-newsletter "Leading Effectively" or for any of its other great publications, go to http://www.ccl.org.

Send Page To a Friend

Printer Friendly Version