MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS: THE MOST IMPORTANT KEY TO BALANCING WORK AND FAMILY

Volume #42 - May 2005

If you¹re not a parent, this newsletter might not be of interest to you, but I urge you to read it and pass it onto parents you know who might benefit. Two recent incidents involving women in business spurred me to write about this critical topic. The two women are extremely different, but they both have the same type of difficulty balancing work and family.

One woman is a Vietnamese immigrant who is a manicurist; the other is an executive in a senior position in her company. They both have small children. The Vietnamese manicurist has two small kids under the age of five; the white executive has three small kids under the age of seven. The Vietnamese woman has to work for economic reasons, but she enjoys her work and eventually wants to own her own shop. The white woman wants to work to maintain the life style she and her husband desire. She also finds great satisfaction in her work and likes being in a position of authority and power.

The manicurist, whom I¹ll call Ming, has lots of family support. Her mother and father live close by. Her mother takes care of her sister¹s children and her father takes care of hers. Usually this arrangement works out well, but recently her parents returned to Vietnam for a month to visit family. Ming was at a loss about what to do with her youngest son, who is two and a half and not in nursery school. Unable to find someone to care for him, she brought him to work with her, which did not go over well with her boss, particularly because her son is difficult to control. Ming says when he is with her, he talks back to her and acts out all the time. On the particular day that she told me this story she was extremely stressed because he had been totally out of control all day and threw her cup of coffee all over her. She was so angry with him that she slapped his hand, raised her voice, and told him he was a bad boy. This was the first time she had ever demonstrated a boundary line about her son¹s behavior. It was the first time she tried to exert parental authority over him, but she was in a reactive, emotional mode rather than in a constructive, rational one.

Ming says that her husband, and even her friends, tell her that she is too lenient with her son. She says that she loves him too much. Then she admits that she feels guilty because she doesn¹t spend enough time with him, so that when she is with him, she doesn¹t want to correct him. She¹s afraid that if she does, he won¹t love her. Her guilt about working is preventing her from being a good parent and providing the guidance her child needs. Unless Ming can manage her own fears and behaviors better, she will harm her son¹s development. His life and hers will be out of balance.    

The executive, whom I¹ll call Barbara, also has trouble with her three-year old son. Barbara¹s family does not live close to her, so she doesn¹t have the support that Ming does. Her son has been in a nursery school or day-care setting since he was three-months old.

At work, Barbara is known for her vision and intelligence. She has a communicative, collaborative style, yet she definitely makes the final decisions about how things will be done. She likes to be in control. Barbara also has a reputation for being somewhat scattered ‹ she has lots of good ideas but her organizational skills are lacking and she¹s consistently late. In fact, she¹s often late picking her son up at nursery school. He¹s the last kid, left waiting for mom to show up; so, not surprisingly, he acts out. With his unruly behavior, and her lateness, he¹s been asked to leave three different nursery schools, further disrupting the consistency he needs.

Barbara can afford a nanny, which would be extremely helpful to her in organizing her life and schedule. If she had a nanny whom she could count on to pick her son up on time, her son¹s life would be more grounded in a consistent routine. But Barbara doesn¹t want a nanny because she fears that her children might love and bond with a nanny, somehow replacing her. The concept of a nanny threatens her need to be the ultimate decision maker in control of her children. Unless Barbara can control her own fears and behaviors better, she will harm her son¹s development. His life and hers will be out of balance.

There is no perfect solution for balance, but you won¹t even be able to come close if you can¹t make well-thought-out, rational choices. The key to balance is knowing yourself, understanding your fears, and working through them before they affect your children. If you can¹t manage your own fears and emotions, you will negatively out act in some way. When you act out, your children act out. Ming¹s guilt gets the best of her and she acts out by not setting boundaries. Barbara¹s lack of organization and need for control get the best of her and she acts out by not being more consistent and timely. Both women¹s behaviors are driven by the fear that their children won¹t love them. Being a working parent, especially a working mother, is not easy. But if you can¹t get a handle on the ways in which you contribute to the imbalance in your life, you will, over time, create a negative spiral that gains a force of its own, spinning you and your family out of control and out of balance.

COACHING QUESTIONS

1. How do you honestly feel about working?
2. What makes you feel guilty?
3. What are you most afraid of when it comes to your family?
4. What do you need to do to move yourself through your guilt and fear?
5. How much time do you spend with your family?
6. What can you do to spend more time with them?
7. When you are with your family, how do you spend your
8. What would be the ideal way to spend time with them?
9. What small steps can you take to create that ideal?
10. What behaviors of yours might need to be changed to make sure you are bonding with your children in a way that supports them and demonstrates your love?

Copy © 2005 Virginia O'Brien All s Reserved

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