BOSSES FROM HELL

Volume #28 - June 2002

Summer is here on the North American continent and it's particularly steamy today. Hellishly hot. When it's like this, with the hot air hanging all around you, it seems hard to breathe. It often feels the same way when dealing with a boss who acts like a devil, who blows hot air in your face, makes ghastly demands, and seems to try and trip you up on purpose. Nothing you do seems to please the boss from hell.

Unfortunately almost all of us have encountered this type of person at least once in our careers. For those of you who haven't, count your blessings.

The boss from hell can really create havoc in your life. Not only does this person threaten your psychological well being, but he or she can actually threaten your financial well being by setting you up to lose your job.

So, the question is; How do you handle a really difficult boss? Here are some guidelines.

FIRST, try to see this person's good side. Understand that she's human with both good and bad qualities and behaviors. If you can focus on what she does rather than what you feel she's doing wrong, you put yourself in a more emotionally intelligent place and will have more energy to deal with the bad stuff. If you only focus on the negative, you'll get caught up in the bad energy, and will end up engaging in a tug of war, which you are far more likely to lose than she is. So, learn how to acknowledge your boss' good characteristics and give her some stroking no matter how difficult that might seem.

SECOND, figure out where she's coming from. What does she want from you? What makes her happy? What does she listen for when she's communicating with you? What do you do that ticks her off and gets her angry. What is her perception of you?

One of the ways to discover the answers to these questions is to request a conversation with her to talk about how you can work more effectively together. Be firm in making this request - you need to be persistent because it's imperative that you get your boss to explain in specific detail what behaviors and results she expects and what behaviors she wants to see changed.

Also get very clear on the process that you can use to get the results. Is she going to give you leeway so that you can work according to your style or is she demanding that you bring in the results by working her way. See if you can get her to agree to a trial period where you can work your own way. And if at the end of the period you are still not demonstrating the results she wants, you'll do it her way. If she is adamant that her way is the way, you'll just need to adapt your style to hers.

Then, get clear on how she is going to support you in a process of learning how to be different. You're going to make mistakes, so you need to know if she is going to allow for any. Find out what kind of progress she wants to see within a particular time frame. How will she objectively judge you? Help to set the measurements for success with her and be specific.

THIRD, don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of. If you get into a fray with a demanding boss and you start feeling frustrated and insecure, your boss will pick up on this and use it to her advantage. Once an aggressive person realizes that she can push you around, she'll push you even more and lose respect for you. You'll then find yourself in a downward spiral getting more insecure and being taken advantage of more and more. Set boundaries around what you will or won't tolerate. Do not accept abusive behavior. When you feel your boss is being abusive, have a conversation and point out the specific behaviors that are unacceptable. If you have a boss that screams and yells, you can simply tell her that you won't continue the conversation until she stops yelling. Chronicle the abuse and keep records. Make sure you inform HR of abusive behavior.

If you have a passive aggressive boss who is skilled at tripping you up in subtle ways be very careful. This is a boss you really cannot trust. Be wary of what she says because the passive aggressive person sends mixed messages that can be loaded with hidden agendas. Make sure you document your results and achievements and any agreements you make. Double check with her as your moving forward with projects to make sure she's still singing the same tune she sang the last time you came to an agreement and that you are providing her with what she wants. Be as clear as possible. Get agreements in writing - you can do this by simply sending her project outlines and progress reports and requesting feedback. Again, set firm boundaries. Don't allow yourself to get hooked. Keep an emotional distance.

FOURTH, develop alliances with people above your boss. You need to have people on your side if worse comes to worse and she tries to get rid of you or tries to nail something on you. One of the women in my book, Success on Our Own Terms, had a really difficult boss with questionable ethics. Teresa was a middle manager at a Fortune 500 when she ran into an ethical dilemma with one of her vendors. She repeatedly went to her boss for support and didn't get it. Teresa intuitively knew that the advice she did get for handling the situation was putting her in danger. Afraid she was going to get scapegoated, she realized that she had to seek help at a higher level. Fortunately, she had a wonderful relationship with a senior executive who had mentored her earlier in her career. She gathered the facts and presented the situation to him in a highly rational manner. It was such a stressful time for her that she had made the decision to leave the company, if he couldn't help her. She let him know that. Because he knew her as a high performer with a lot of integrity, he believed what she was saying and arranged to have her moved into another department. This story demonstrates the value of being grounded in your principles and knowing how much you will bend in situations. And it points out how important it is to build relationships with senior executives who can help you move to another job within the company.

FIFTH, make sure that you are not contributing to making the situation worse. Do your job. Bring in results. Perform well. Don't snipe at your boss behind her back because it will come back to bite you. Remain professional. Stay positive. Learn from the experience. Don't burn bridges.

FINALLY, if you've tried everything and nothing seems to work, figure out how long you can tolerate the situation without stressing yourself to a breaking point. You shouldn't let one person push you from a company, but if there is nowhere else to move, you'll need to consider leaving. Be proactive and work on creating other options outside the company for yourself. It's one thing to face the heat and learn how to work with difficult people, but it doesn't mean you should allow yourself to get burned.

COACHING QUESTIONS

1. What has caused the deterioration of your relationship?
2. What part do you play in it?
3. What are you being stubborn about?
4. What can you let go of?
5. What won't you do?
6. What accommodations can you make?
7. What can you do differently?
8. What's the ideal resolution?
9. What steps can you take to work toward that resolution?
10. What have you learned from the experience?

Copy © 2001 Virginia O'Brien All s Reserved

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