Assertive Versus Aggressive

Volume #21 - August 2001

You have to wonder what consultants won't do to make a buck if you read the recent article about "Bully Broads" in Elle magazine.

Apparently certain companies have determined that some senior women have become too assertive and need to be reprogrammed to get back in touch with "feminine" behaviors. The consultant featured in the article actually advises women to start crying, stammering, and wearing frilly blouses.

So, I thought this would be a good time to set the record straight. There is a difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Aggressiveness in women or in men isn't good leadership behavior. Aggressiveness is about lack of respect for the other person. It reflects a win/lose mentality in which the aggressor definitely wants to demonstrate his or her power. Aggression manifests itself in behaviors such as yelling and cursing at others, temper tantrums, throwing things, and lack of listening skills, to name a few. An aggressive person doesn't demonstrate emotional intelligence.

An assertive person, on the other hand, is emotionally intelligent, is grounded in his or her self-confidence, manages her emotions well, and knows how to positively influence the emotions of others. An assertive person operates from a win/win position in which she respects both herself and others even when she firmly stands her ground.

If people in an organization are having problems with assertive women, then there is something wrong in the organization. If people are having problems with aggressive women, then the solution is to train these women in ways to temper their aggressive behaviors. This, however, does not include coaching women on how to break down and cry. Would anyone ever think of putting aggressive men through such a program?

If you have had feedback that you are being too assertive, then check out your behaviors. Ask people specifically what it is that you are doing that creates this impression. Carefully listen to what they say. If enough people are telling you the same thing then you need to get some coaching on your communication style, but you don't need to break out in tears or wear a white lace blouse.

What really is a crying shame is the continued conflict women find themselves in trying to measure up to confusing standards and expectations about who they should or shouldn't be in organizational life.

COACHING QUESTIONS

1. How often do you get angry and lose your temper at work?
2. How do people describe you?
3. How do you get people to do what you need them to do?
4. How respectful are you of other people, their positions, thoughts and opinions?
5. What would you like to improve about your leadership and communication style?
6. What are the messages that women in your organization receive?
7. How do you know you are being assertive and not aggressive?

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Copy © 2000 Virginia O'Brien All s Reserved

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