Developing Your Emotional Intelligence
Volume #16 - January 2001
Do you have problems dealing with certain people in your organization? Is there someone with whom you must work who absolutely grates on your nerves? Is there someone whom you really can't stand, so you try to avoid that person as much as possible?
Being able to deal with all kinds of people, especially ones who present us with difficulty, demonstrates our emotional intelligence (EQ). You can measure your EQ by the degree to which you are able to read emotions - yours and others - and to handle their feelings and yours skillfully.
- Emotional intelligence guru Daniel Goleman claims that EQ is more important than IQ in succeeding at work. He claims there are five emotional intelligence competencies:
- self-awareness (emotional awareness and self-confidence)
- self-regulation (self-control, adaptability, trustworthiness)
- motivation (committed and goal oriented)
- empathy (understanding others)
- social skills (communication and the ability to influence others and manage conflict).
In his book Working With Emotional Intelligence, he writes: "Out-of-control emotions can make smart people stupid."
I've found that when my clients are trying to cope with difficult people, if they don't respond with emotional intelligence, they tend to vacillate between two extremes. They either retreat, completely walling themselves off hoping the situation will somehow correct itself, or they act out aggressively against the other person. Either behavior is a set-up for failure.
If you shut down and retreat, you open up space for the other person, who is probably not displaying much emotional intelligence either, to do damage to you in some way. So shutting down leaves you vulnerable and certainly does nothing to change the situation.
On the other hand, if you erupt like Mt. Vesuvius, you give the other person ammunition to accuse you of unprofessional behavior or to label you as crazy. And you contribute to an unhealthy and possibly chaotic situation. Yelling at someone and calling them names might make you feel momentarily powerful, but the surge of pleasure you're feeling is probably coming from some youthful experience when crying got your mother's attention or calling other kids names made you feel like you were somehow powerful.
One way or the other - shutting down or screaming out - you enable other people to manipulate you. So, how do you handle these situations?
When you are dealing with people who push your buttons, step back and take an objective look at what's happening. First, ask yourself, "What's going on here? Why am I feeling the way I do?" Get in touch with your own emotions. Where are they coming from? What is it that you need? Once you can identify what you need you will be in a better position to articulate your position. Then, put yourself in the other person's position. What are they afraid of? What is threatening them? What do they need from you or from the environment?
If you can figure out which emotions you're feeling and why, you can find ways to control your emotions and take care of yourself in a rational manner. If you can figure out which emotions they're feeling and why, you can figure out ways to help them meet their needs.
Emotional intelligence requires an ability to reflect on what's happening and to communicate effectively to remedy situations, achieve goals, and motivate people. When you act with EQ, you don't allow yourself to fly off the handle, to give in to angry or destructive impulses, or to let your\ emotions cloud your thinking. Having EQ also means having a positive, open outlook. Let go of eousness and indignation and try to see a way to relate to and respect the other person who has flaws, fears and hidden emotional needs, just as you do.
Emotional intelligence doesn't mean, however, that you must back down or cave in around your values; it simply means that you are capable of seeing both sides of a situation, are able to actively listen to another point of view, and can make rational decisions with self-confidence and assurance. EQ is about being authentic, honest, responsible, open and straightforward.
COACHING QUESTIONS
- What are your emotional intelligence strengths?
- What areas of emotional intelligence do you need to develop?
- Who can give you feedback on your EQ so that you get an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses?
- What are your "hot" buttons? What behaviors in others trigger you the most? What is the emotion that's getting triggered in you?
- What can you do to make yourself more aware of the triggers and your emotions to them? What techniques can you use to gain better control over your emotional response?
- What do you need to do to reach out and understand other people better?
- What communication skills to you need to build?
Copy © 2000 Virginia O'Brien All s Reserved
