Tooting Your Own Horn

Volume #14 - November 2000

Do you have a problem talking about how great you are? Over and over I hear stories from women about how they hold back when it comes to letting others know that they are competent, skilled and talented. Many women think that all they have to do is perform well and they will be rewarded. WRONG! You have to let the people know how good you are. If you don't advocate for yourself, who's going to? If you don't advocate for yourself, why would you expect others to advocate for you?

In the past month, I've talked to four different women who, in one way or another, have had to tackle the task of making sure the people recognize the quality of their work.

One woman has a problem because her boss operates out of another geographic location, so he doesn't see her on a day-to-day or even a week-to-week basis. We worked on devising strategies for her to get the results of her efforts in front of him so he has an understanding of how much work she does, how varied it is, how much time it takes, and how successful she is.

Another highly competent woman is carrying the load for her boss, who is not terribly effective but who is well connected in the company. Her dilemma is to get her work recognized by other senior managers so that she can move into another department without stepping on her boss' toes. We worked on strategies for getting her a mentor higher up in the organization so that she gets the recognition she needs in a politically correct way.

Two other women struggled with self-assessments and performance evaluations. Being brutally honest, they remembered every flaw, every mistake they have ever made. They felt a need to tell the whole truth as they saw it, which meant exposing all their imperfections, while playing down their assets.

This tendency for women to hold back when it comes to tooting their own horns reflects gender differences in communication. Men, having learned to compete with each other and to struggle for their place in the hierarchy at an early age, have learned how to "brag." They don't get bent out of shape examining themselves. They are not into the minutia of analysis the way women are. They don't analyze and reanalyze every aspect and nuance of a question and response. They tell you what they want you to know about themselves and they expect you do the same. If you can't tell them what's good about you, they are most likely to think that you don't have anything good to tell.

Yes, sometimes men can drive women crazy with their "bull,"but if men have a tendency to embellish their achievements, and women have a tendency to downplay their accomplishments, who ends up looking smarter? Who ends up looking like a better candidate for a job? And whose fault is it? You can't blame other people if you're not standing up for yourself and tooting your own horn.

So, here are some suggestions:

Get yourself a well respected mentor who can help you develop your career and give you feedback on the ways in which you need to present and position yourself in your organization. If there is no one in your organization, perhaps, because it is too small, it's really essential for you to get advice and guidance from someone else; so, get yourself a coach.

If you are not receiving performance evaluations on a regular basis, create monthly or quarterly reports that track your activities and accomplishments and submit them to your boss. These reports provide a way for you to see for yourself how good you are and they give you a vehicle for making your results and your successes visible. They can also help your boss when it comes time to do a review. Your boss won't have to scramble remembering what you've done or thinking about what to say - the reports provide a recording of the deeds and descriptions you want acknowledged. Having a record of your accomplishments can also be extremely valuable if you ever have to defend yourself against unfair accusations.

If you are given a performance evaluation that you don't agree with, don't sign off on it out of frustration or because you just want it over and done with. Once you have signed off on something, you have agreed on paper to what is being said about you. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't accept valid constructive criticism - that's what performance evaluations are for - to help you see yourself as others see you so that you can improve your skills. But if there is something in the evaluation that you perceive as misguided or down wrong and you don't refute it, you will limit your ability in the future to explain a difference in perspective. If you can't get the evaluation modified or changed, take the time to write out a thorough response. Stick to the facts. Don't ramble. Don't be emotional. Don't attack or criticize anyone else, but make it clear that you disagree with the evaluation and succinctly present your perspective. Ask to have your response included in your file.

If you are doing a self-evaluation, DON'T BE MODEST. You know what you are really good at - WRITE IT DOWN! Ask yourself two questions: "What do I want to accomplish with this performance evaluation?"and "What do I need to say about myself - about my skills, strengths and talents that will help me accomplish it?" Again, stay focused on yourself. This is about you. When it comes to evaluating your own "developmental needs," rather than describing in detail what you are not good at, describe the kind of support you believe would be helpful to you in enhancing your performance - for example, mention some courses you would like to take or some projects you would like to be involved with that will help you to improve a particular skill.

And, finally, you can learn from men without feeling as though you need to be just like them. Practice tooting your own horn in a way that is comfortable for you. If you don't, others might not get to hear the great music you can make.

COACHING QUESTIONS

1. What is most important for your boss and senior management to know about you?
2. What is it that is keeping you from getting that information to them?
3. What makes you want to be so modest?
4. What will it take for you to toot your own horn?
5. What are the best ways for you to make the kind of music you want to make?

Copy © 2000 Virginia O'Brien All s Reserved

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