It's All About You

Volume #13 - October 2000

Recently, I was coaching a client who was having difficulty with a new boss. My client, whom I'll call Rose, had a wonderful relationship with her old boss. He had been a great mentor, had helped her develop her career, and had always been there for her. He understood her personality and supported her when she made mistakes. His promotion triggered lots of feelings for her.

When good relationships in the workplace change due to promotions, moves or other kinds of transitions, there is a sense of loss. And accompanying loss are feelings of sadness, anger and resentment. During these transitions unless you can get hold of your feelings, acknowledge them, and provide yourself with the space to vent them, you're likely to trip yourself up.

In Rose's case, she hadn't realized the degree to which she was attached to her old boss. She also didn't realize the degree to which her new boss was becoming the target of her resentment. She didn't want a replacement; thus, she found fault with everything he did. Sometimes, she even responded to requests that she considered extreme or unreasonable with blunt disagreement, laced with sarcasm and anger.

As I listened to Rose describe all the things her boss was supposedly doing wrong, I asked her to stop for a minute and examine the focus of her conversation. Rather than telling me what was going on with him, I asked her what was going on with her? When I said, "This is all about you" a light bulb went off.

Focusing on his annoying behaviors wasn't helping her. She needed to shift her focus away from criticizing him, and allow herself to feel her own sadness and anger. Until she gave herself some space to grieve, she wasn't going to have room for a new relationship to grow.

We designed several interventions to help her get grounded and to become a better observer of herself. First, each time her new boss made a request or a comment that triggered a negative emotional reaction, she agreed to take a breath, not respond, and ask herself, "What's really bothering me?" By giving herself some time to pause and reflect she not only built her capacity to observe herself, but she also kept herself from responding inappropriately. Within a short period of time, she was able to understand her feelings better and view her new boss from a different perspective. No matter what he did, he wasn't going to be the same as her old boss. He wasn't going to take care of her in the same way. She was at a new place in her career, which required a higher level of maturity - she had to take care of herself.

Second, Rose worked on developing her ability to empathize with her new boss. He had come into a volatile organizational situation and needed the support of his troops. I asked her what she would want if she were in his shoes. As she began articulating the kinds of information and support she would need, she began to see that was precisely what she had been denying him - almost punishing him for not being who she wanted him to be. In reality, however, she was punishing herself.

Remember, your role is to support your boss, whether you like her or not.Your relationship with your boss can be critical to your career; therefore, you're taking care of yourself by taking care of your boss. It's particularly important to get off on the foot. Barriers that get erected at the beginning of a relationship are harder to overcome later. First impressions can be lasting. If you have a new boss and she gets the message you aren't aligned and that you can be a thorn in her side, why would she want to keep you around? Everyone is replaceable. Never deceive yourself into thinking the department would fall apart without you. It won't.

A third intervention we designed for Rose was to identify and improve the skills that were most important to her boss. The more credibility she had, the more respect she could command. The more he recognized her worth, the more he would value her input. The more he valued her input, the more he would listen to her when she did disagree with him and the more power she would have. The more power she had, the greater ability she had to direct her career and find success.

COACHING QUESTIONS

1. What's the source of your feelings? What's really going on for you when negative emotions arise?
2. What do you need to do to give yourself permission and space to feel your feelings?
3. What does your boss need from you?
4. What are you doing that's getting in the way of giving your boss what she needs?
5. If you are complaining on a fairly constant basis, what responsibility are you trying to avoid?
6. What do you need to do to remind yourself that your career is "about you" not about anyone else?

Copy © 2000 Virginia O'Brien All s Reserved

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