Success On Your Own Terms Newsletter Volume #57, May 2009

The Voices Within Us

I just returned from a conference for master coaches and decided to share some of my observations and learnings with you. The session that left me with the most to think about was led by Zen Master Dennis Genpo Merzel, creator of the "Big Mind, Big Heart" process. Genpo Roshi (his spiritual name) combines Zen Buddhist practices with western psychotherapy techniques to get people to examine their inner selves, recognize their unhealthy patterns, and "unstick" their "stuck" places - in other words to change what needs to get changed in order to lead a better life.

When we're stuck the best way to get unstuck is to shift the way we're viewing our problem. This concept is backed up scientifically by numerous studies in neuroscience, which demonstrate that one of the best ways to change behavior is to reframe issues. Reframing can prevent the amygdala (the part of the brain that sends out arousal hormones that warn of danger) from sending those fear signals, allowing our prefrontal cortex to think in rational ways as well as enabling our unconscious to gain insight.

In the course of his session, Genpo Roshi introduced a practice for getting unstuck that is often used in Gestalt therapy. Using this practice, a person stands outside of the "self" and speaks from the voice of a particular role or feeling with which the person identifies. We each have a whole host of voices operating within us. Genpo Roshi says that when we are conscious of and own a voice, it can become a gift to us. When we don't own that voice, when it is buried or disowned, we will act out immaturely. During his session, we practiced identifying a variety of voices: the voice of stupidity, the voice of the student, the voice of the phony, and the voice of fear. Each voice plays a role for the self, protecting it in some way. The point is not to eradicate the voice - even the voice of fear - because it can benefit us, but to recognize and honor that voice, to be conscious of it and develop it so that we are mature in our choice of when and how to use it. Genpo Roshi helped us make a distinction between the immature voice and the mature voice. One way to do this is to spend time reflecting on your voices, assessing their value and whether they're helping or hurting you. The immature voice will inevitably trip you up.

For example, I have a voice of courage. Its role is to speak the truth and illuminate issues, sometimes by exposing what hasn't been said; its purpose is to educate and to protect myself and others. When the voice is speaking from an immature place, however, the result is just the opposite. My immature voice of courage makes points that don't need to be made or are not really appropriate; sometimes, the voice just wants to zing people. When it's speaking, I don't protect myself at all, but rather can make myself look foolish, which in turn triggers shame. When I'm in the audience at a conference or at a meeting and start feeling like I "need" to say something, I've learned to monitor my body. When the immature voice is straining to get out, my body lets me know and I've learned (most of the time) to pay attention to the signals and keep quiet. Later I analyze what triggered me and can see the folly in my thinking and what I thought I would gain. Genpo Roshi says the mature side sees and is conscious of the immature side.

This process of being conscious of the voice in charge of our actions at any particular time reflects our level of emotional intelligence - our ability to be conscious of our emotional feelings, to understand how they trigger us, and to recognize not only what's happening to us because of that emotion, but to also manage the voice so that it doesn't negatively impact our behavior and run us. One of the roles of a coach is to ask the client questions that help to surface voices and emotions, to examine them, and to enable the client to develop deeper understanding, and obtain a new level of insight and emotional intelligence that will support making better choices.

You can do this for yourself as well. For example, if you are a leader with a voice of stupidity, you might have a hard time admitting you don't know something. You might think that you will look stupid or too vulnerable if you say you don't know something or you might be concerned that people will think you're not worthy of your position. Practice being the voice of stupidity and ask yourself this question: What role am I playing for the self? Answer in the first person as though you are the voice and explain what you are providing to the self. Listen to your answers. You should be able to gain insight from this practice. How is this voice hurting the self rather than helping?

I just gathered some feedback on one of my clients who is in a new, demanding position. She knew nothing about the particular issues on the project she was given to lead; yet, she had to be the liaison between the people who were implementing this highly visible and demanding project and senior management. The leader she was replacing had tremendous expertise in the area and enormous respect from the team. My client, knowing she had big shoes to fill, came into the project and openly owned what she didn't know and asked for the support of the people below her in bringing her up to speed. In gathering the feedback, I found out how much this openness served her. People told me her behavior was so unlike many senior executives who tried to cover what they didn't know that they went out of their way to give her more time and answer her questions. They respected her honesty and openness and her respect for them and their knowledge. She acted from a position that Genpo Roshi calls the "apex of the self" and chose to honor the voice of stupidity within her, acknowledging what she didn't know and asking to be the student of those who were beneath her on the corporate hierarchy. In the process, she not only gained knowledge, but respect, admiration and the support of the team.

You will gain insight from accessing and speaking from your different voices. However, insight alone won't always change a behavior: you need to practice remaining conscious of the voices that influence you the most, and distinguish whether they are speaking maturely or immaturely so that you can make the right choices and take action from the apex of your "self." This apex represents ultimate balance. It represents your ying and yang. When you're at this point, you're in "the flow" and your choices and actions will be right and constructive.